Stuck

Sometimes the simple fact of rain can be so oppressing. I'm not normally affected by the weather in the same way many people in this area are; I like the rain. It's earthy, natural, a reminder that something beautiful still exists, functions, hasn't been completely broken - I like watching rain, usually. I love listening to it. Except today. Today, I really needed to get out of here for awhile. I wanted to just pick a direction and start walking, but I couldn't. Today, the rain was overwhelming.

I still feel like I need to get out; I've got that rising, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know is a warning to change my train of thought, move on, get going anywhere as long as it's somewhere other than where I am right now. Walking helps, though I don't understand how or why, and I don't really think I want to. I'm beginning to accept the possibility that there may be some things in my life I need to refuse to understand, even when I know it's not beyond me - maybe especially when I know it's not.

The rain has its own voice today, and I can't help but be distracted by it; it's not enough of a distraction - just enough to take the sharpest edge off, I think. Just enough to move the front of my mind a few degrees to the left or right. I'm tempted to hit a bar for the first time in my life tonight, to see about the rest of it. Of course, I'm sure can't afford it, but I'm also sure I don't really care about that right now, or ever. Bones, sinking like stones - all that we've fought for; homes, places we've grown - all of us are done for.

I hate days like this; every sensation seems amplified to the point of pain, no matter how innocuous--or even pleasant--it should be. I know it's the analogy, the imagery, holding a captive audience in the back of my mind just beyond my reach. I know that every otherwise dissenting member is paralyzed in rapture, listening to that disembodied voice sparkle on about realities, possibilities, facts, unavoidable things, accidents, mistakes and ends of beginnings alike - preaching with every fiber of its false little soul to save something, anything it can attach itself to and live to hurt another day. Anything to avoid the inevitable, and it always wins. It always trickles its message just beneath my awareness, and I hate it.

We live in a beautiful world... don't we? Yeah we do, yeah we do.

I don't know why, anymore. But it never lies, and I have to count on something, sometimes. I hate it.