Thursday, August 1, 2013

On the Dangers of Uncertified Advice-Giving

I worry about people who say things like, "You take yourself too seriously," or "You only live once!" and actually mean it.

They never include the fine print that goes with advice of that caliber:

"CAUTION! - following this advice will inevitably and absolutely result in your complete forfeiture of any and all personal credibility, potential for interpersonal value or general respectability, including—but not even approaching limited to—your entire life being primarily defined by some or all of the following scenarios: listening to rap and sincerely enjoying it; making and/or laughing at 'grass' puns; being video-recorded having sex with the creepiest/dirtiest man/woman—and the dog—at that one party you attend every week but never remember; making gross factual errors every time you discuss anything other than mixed drinks or the details of your 'flare ups'; discussing the 'philosophical merits' of 'natural drugs' in public places, especially when under the influence of said substances; earning a nickname associated with either alcohol or a sex act; joining a suicide cult to improve the quality of your life."

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