"The United States military today obliterated the small Oregon city
of (city name) with a surgical nuclear strike, liberating the
surrounding stateside from an outbreak of chicken pox in which at least seven children were confirmed to have demonstrated ongoing visible symptoms of viral
extremism, the fear of which had held at least three of the city's twenty-four
districts hostage for nearly as many days. Notable among those targets
destroyed were at least eighteen primary schools that were flagged
as key viro-terrorism training camps by the National Strategic Defense
Algorithm, along with two public pools and the entire local franchise of
fast-food restaurateur/viro-terrorism mastermind Colonel Sanders. Our
White House correspondent reports that government officials have declined to
issue a formal press release on these events due to the, quote,
"Negligible scope of environmental fallout and minimal civilian
casualties of what was an absolutely necessary and ultimately very minor
military action that claimed barely four million human lives in total," but one
Oval Office staff source—unauthorized to officially comment—has assured
us that the President is very thankful for the continued sacrifice and
commitment of the American people to a virus-free global society. We'll
have more on this for you later, and while we're at it - have YOU
vacuumed lately? A quirky new product from everybody's favorite national defense
contractor, Roomba, has been sweeping the market this week, and by
golly, we are just absolutely blown away - isn't that right, Steve? Tune
in to Steve and myself again at 7 for more exclusives, only here on
CNFNOXANBCOMGWTF911BBQ."
It's
only a matter of time before the "terrorists" of the future are going to
include viruses. You got a cold? Uh uh, not in my democracy,
motherfucker - get dead, terrorist!
'MERICUH! Mindless victory AT ANY
COST!!!**Not to be mistaken for "YEAH!"
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