Sarcasm à la carte

Oh, maaaaan. What is the world coming to?

If we can't even collectively agree that it's fine to kill unwanted babies just for funsies, how the hell are we supposed to eventually achieve the ultimate consensus that it's fine to kill unwanted adults - including quite a few for potentially-legitimate reasons!? We need legalized distant-post-term abortion, yesterday!

— No amount of Las Vegas country music festival hijinks will suffice!

And—this is just a nitpick, but—this also puts a serious damper on our plans to selectively breed out human flaws in lieu of leaving it to "natural selection" - which, bear in mind, is, like, tooooootally composed of an inordinate overpopulation of frat boiz and club gurrrrrls-zah.

I'm an Optimist.

I'm an optimist.

I have faith that boundless global stupidity will iterate endlessly through an infinite matrix of possible behavioral modalities, and that one of those outcomes will periodically result in a human civilization wherein the supermajority is comprised of intelligent—rather than impossibly-moronic—individuals.

Granted, only 1 in several billion-billion-billion of these freak outlier civilizations will persist beyond the next few iterations of stupidity that inevitably follow, but when that special one rolls around... there will definitely be no Facebook, Miley Cyrus, or USA.

Warms me wee fuckin' heart, that does.

'Mericuhhhh, FUCK YA!**

"The United States military today obliterated the small Oregon city of (city name) with a surgical nuclear strike, liberating the surrounding stateside from an outbreak of chicken pox in which at least seven children were confirmed to have demonstrated ongoing visible symptoms of viral extremism, the fear of which had held at least three of the city's twenty-four districts hostage for nearly as many days. Notable among those targets destroyed were at least eighteen primary schools that were flagged as key viro-terrorism training camps by the National Strategic Defense Algorithm, along with two public pools and the entire local franchise of fast-food restaurateur/viro-terrorism mastermind Colonel Sanders. Our White House correspondent reports that government officials have declined to issue a formal press release on these events due to the, quote, "Negligible scope of environmental fallout and minimal civilian casualties of what was an absolutely necessary and ultimately very minor military action that claimed barely four million human lives in total," but one Oval Office staff source—unauthorized to officially comment—has assured us that the President is very thankful for the continued sacrifice and commitment of the American people to a virus-free global society. We'll have more on this for you later, and while we're at it - have YOU vacuumed lately? A quirky new product from everybody's favorite national defense contractor, Roomba, has been sweeping the market this week, and by golly, we are just absolutely blown away - isn't that right, Steve? Tune in to Steve and myself again at 7 for more exclusives, only here on CNFNOXANBCOMGWTF911BBQ."

It's only a matter of time before the "terrorists" of the future are going to include viruses. You got a cold? Uh uh, not in my democracy, motherfucker - get dead, terrorist!

 'MERICUH! Mindless victory AT ANY COST!!!



**Not to be mistaken for "YEAH!"

Local weather tis a tit bit nipply these days

"Weekend rally opposes laws
requiring women to cover their breasts"

 http://www.bellinghamherald.com/news/local/article97710507.html

It's about time somebody started advocating for non-sexual nudity in public. I can't tell you how often us guys NEED to manually adjust our genitals in public due to the oppressive & sexist matriarchy's anti-male-seat agenda - and, frankly, it's just not comfortable to try to do that with clothing on. The right to sit comfortably anywhere—even in places or on surfaces that do not accommodate sitting—is just as important as the right to feed a baby anywhere—even in places or in situations in which no sane human would be eating or feeding anything. We shouldn't have to suffer outrageous indignities just to respect the arbitrary social graces of an establishment that only wants to marginalize and enslave us! Now, we can rest assured that we have female compatriots who truly understand and will fight for our rights alongside us as we fight for theirs alongside them.

Nay, you say? Well, if women can't control their eyes when there are naked penises around them then that's their own problem and they should seek professional psychological help - and other assorted rhetoric as appropriate.

I Hand Out Intellectual Life Savers Like Candy

Our country's social climate of compassionate and unconditional acceptance is growing stronger every day... at least for and of those ideas which neither require nor aspire to any sort of introspection, criticism, analysis or otherwise rational accountability. It warms my sarcastic little heart, it does!

Nevertheless—despite all of the blind/desperate/hollow warm-fuzzies happily contracted by an awful lot of folks these days—aggressive discrimination has never been more prevalent, fervent or insidious than it is today... but probably not in the way that you think. Social persecution is not dead, nor is it in decline, but nor does it remotely resemble any of the countless convenient nth-otomies both inspired and imagined by the mundane moronism of the masses. The behavior has overwhelmingly migrated to a focus on subtler, quieter targets - a more general demographic, for to more comfortably deride the "others" of a more fundamental disparity:

Today, "those who can't be bothered to learn" have happily taken up the mantle of enthusiastic persecutors of  "those who know and/or know better."

No matter how many thousands of opinions you might solicit from a pool of countless strangers about any one of a thousand incendiary cultural topics, nearly every person will have one behavior in common: they'll all balk at the mere notion of accepting the factual wisdom of anyone more intelligent than themselves. It's human nature to resist new knowledge absent the context of subjective experience, of course - but so is casually shitting on the ground wherever you happen to be sitting or standing when the urge strikes you... and, presumably, we invented toilets for a reason that might pass for such. Likewise, keen tools suitable for the precise measurement of reason itself are just as common as—and significantly less expensive than—our royal porcelain thrones. Everyone is capable of better; no person willing to shit in a bathroom has any good excuse for intellectual complacency.

The INTELLIGENT are now, by far, the most endangered and marginalized minority of modern times. Perhaps one's personal political, sexual, emotional, avoidant, dissonant and delusional proclivities are not the most significant issues facing our civilization at this moment. Perhaps there is a much scarier, more pressing problem of far greater consequence with which we should concern ourselves: it really, truly, does not matter at all who/what/when/where/how a person does, doesn't do, thinks, doesn't think, wants, doesn't want, believes, eats, wears, fucks, or even—god help them—reads on Facebook... if a person is content to be an IDIOT forever.

— to top things off with a twist of terrible local irony, is it possible that the imminent violent collapse of our own representative democracy in this country might actually be—*gasp!*—truly representative of some fundamental social phenomenon? Our founding fathers didn't fail to anticipate a Tyranny of the Apathetic – did they?

Huh... *shrug.* Google doesn't know.

... well, back to Pokemon GO!

RE: Brussels Bombings of 3/22/2016

The ability to fully comprehend *causality* is perhaps the most essential social quality of intelligent people. In either case, its absence is absolutely the most passively-damaging social phenomenon.

Take the Brussels bombings, for instance: to the layperson, it may simply appear to be the irrational but predictable behavior of deranged religious extremists. Of course, that's merely the cap of a causal pyramid built upon the foundation of our voting booths here in the U.S. - but it's far easier to invest one's energy into comparisons of the eligible certain causes of the next preventable tragedies than to pursue an actual solution. We're already underpaid for our toils, amirite? We're jaded and abused and marginalized, and that entitles us to unlimited social irresponsibility and apathy - boo yah!

That's why it is SO IMPORTANT that every one of you vote - because if enough of you don't, it could mean you've figured out that you could instead do something genuinely productive... and, ya know, change is hard, and stuff. Watching people die in explosions on the news because of our laziness is just much more comfortable. Possibility is scary - f*ck that!

No matter who you vote for, at least you'll be able to count on it being a devil you know.

Excuse Me, But I Believe...

Oh, Snap! I See What I Did There

Social Media Wisdom

Doubya Tee Eff, M8

Ya know... there's no deeply meaningful experience in life more satisfying than being completely honest with somebody you care about. It's a wonderful thing, folks - a bonafide miracle of modern interpersonal magic. And getting there is quite the road less traveled, let me tell ya!

First, you spend half your life unlearning all of the backwards bullshit you were taught—or, ya know, that you accidentally learned from school, friends, family, and from listening to other people in the grocery store, or church, or anywhere humans congregate—by the intellectual cave-dwellers representing your civilization to the rest of the universe - and that's cool, and all. Pat yourself on the back a bit, marvel at the feat of willpower it took to achieve not only the capacity to be a self-managing rational human being but to ALSO wake up every morning knowing that, just by being alive and interacting with the world, you are at least not making it shittier - unlike the other 99%...

But that's really just the beginning of your life, isn't it? After that comparatively small achievement is under your belt, you then get the privilege of struggling against a diverse barrage of whatever social tides of uniformly obnoxious ignorance happen to be trending from day to day - which, of course, are all perpetually alternating between savagely beating you square in the face with their stupid-knuckles until you're nearly unconscious, and then pulling on your naughty bits with both hands—and fingernails that are always too sharp—in an attempt to drag you out into their happy seas of oblivious apathetic self-slavery... to drown... so your worthless corpse can drum uselessly against the rocks of their own wasted lives, forever, just like them. It's an honor, really. Glad to be here, glad to suffer through it. At my own sole expense, uphill both ways, naked in the snow, for absolutely nothing but the immediate benefit of all humanity and the theoretical future benefit of myself. I'm a fucking veteran.

So I do all of that, and I master myself, and I master my mind, and I accumulate human capital of self equivalent to a small (European) city, and I completely sever the remaining ties of insanity threatening to re-commit me to society... and then that's intellectual middle-age, I suppose; the golden years of golden intelligence - population: too fucking few. 

Anyway, but that's all in the past - and for the best, amirite!? Because, now, with this amazing gift of meta-sapience that I've given myself, I am capable of true honesty, and of seeing people for exactly what they are, and of communicating exactly what I am to others who've cultivated the capacity to comprehend, and of forming and growing meaningful relationships that are utterly inaccessible to the overwhelming majority-demographic of lowest-common-denominators.

Yes, folks, there's nothing quite as fundamentally fulfilling as being completely honest with somebody you love –

– and being subsequently ignored by them because they're either too chicken-shit, too stupid, or too busy tripping over the sudden realization that "Oh, uhm, that just got awk" to follow up with something human in return. Nevermind affirmation; anegoists don't care if you don't reciprocate - but when nobody can be bothered to even participate, what the actual fuck is the point of me trying?

Heh... a seemingly-rhetorical question that's actually genuine - but still won't get an answer.

You couldn't make this shit up.

Society is pay-to-lose only.

Aw, shucks - all ya need to do is freedom-ize our current state of affairs/imprisonment/enslavement in the right light, and you'll realize that it's really the best thing for us.

Consider this: if the only cost of living the American Dream is that we have to live the American Dream, then everyone is technically getting their American Dream-life for free!

–and there's no "fear" in "free."

When we apply the transitive property of rhetoric and take into account the commutative property of cognitive dissonance, I personally feel all of my would-be fears assuage themselves.

Yes, life is surely good. Life must be good! –'cause if it wasn't, and we were all just pretending it was, then that would actually make life pretty fuckin' horrifying...

Relax! Don't do it.

No matter who you are or what particular upset or offense you're presently stewing over, if you're human, I've got some happy facts that are sure to cheer you up!

— Life itself is objectively meaningless, and you're not the exception to the rule. Why brood over anything when there's a nearly infinite diversity of other meaningless activities and ideas to pursue? Go on a shooting spree, write a letter to the editor, or punch somebody in the face - whatever gets your head back on straight. When you consider that all of humanity is utterly insignificant to the universe, dwelling on human emotion—of all things!—amounts to wasting... wasted time.
(Yes, it makes *that* little sense!)

So meta

Now that the "word"—which is actually just a prefix—"meta" has been assimilated into the present generation's social vernacular, do you think it's possible that they might someday come to understand—perhaps even pursue!—the fundaments of metaphysics... even by accident?

Nah, you're right; before that could happen, the trend would first come full circle and see "meta" assigned an artificial pejorative connotation. By that point, all forms of thought might already be stigmatized as "being, like, way too meta" to be socially acceptable, and we will have collectively returned to our barbaric pre-intellectual roots: happily accepting the fates handed to us by the effigies of ourselves—physical and ideological—that we worship as "gods," and allowing the minutiae of our lives to be arbitrated by a few of the most egocentric and loud among us.

Oh... I see what I did there.