Some people...

... need to be more generous!

Where's the holiday spirit these days, for Buddy Christ's sake!?

This holiday season, I'd like to introduce the perfect gift for your favorite poser/gangbanger/junkie/emo/jock/redneck/religious nut or other miscellaneous stereotype:

"The Make Your Own Suicide Kit!"

Now, I labored over this thing night and day for weeks, folks! Tested it on every volunteer I could find, in fact.

... which, actually, was nobody - so I ended up testing it at my high school reunion last month. (No worries, none of them had changed a bit! I just said they'd get one of those big cookies -- you know what I'm talkin' 'bout? Those giant frosted beasties sold at the lunch cart by the weird gypsy lady with the featureless face and a mute macaw in her apron? You like, totally know! Yeah, I thought she just had a pointy navel for awhile, too).

This kit is shipped for free to your home (or gift recipient of your choice), and comes complete with everything you need to be absolutely sure that the teenager next door (you know, the one who always takes his mom's medication, strips naked, runs screaming into your yard and scares your dog away, then rolls in your wet grass clippings and throws himself violently against your house until he gets an erection - which he proceeds to use as a brush to paint cave-drawings on your windows with his... yeah?)--and his parents!--will be able to set up and carry out a satisfying and elaborate suicide!

Kit includes:

• 2x Dull Scissors (1 pink, 1 black!);
• 1x Knotted Noose (nothing says "I'm sorry" like "SNAP!");
• 1x Trick Knotted Noose (guaranteed to--sometimes--break on use! Imagine all the short-lived laughs!);
• 2x Vial of Arsenic (sure to satisfy the classic tastes of your emo son or daughter!);
• 5x Assorted Rusty Household Utensil (for those adventurous suiciders!);
• 2x Sharpened Razor Blade ( //wrists - it just never gets old! Use while laying on a roof for the most gruesome drainage!);
• 2x Ball-Point Pen (supposedly you can kill people with these.. we encourage the end user to give it a shot!);
• 1x Sharpened Sheet Glass (this 8ft. x 8ft. glass pane is perfect for those with outside help - drop it on your head from a height of more than 30 feet, and watch the splatterfest! See "Final Destination" for detailed instructions).

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I am so confident that you will love this product that I am offering a COMPLETE, UNCONDITIONAL guarantee: if the recipient of your Suicide Kit gift fails to kill him/herself after all items have been used, I will send a team of professionals from the office to fix the problem for good! (Don't worry, they're well-trained. Monkeys).
This deal can't get any better, and it won't last forever - so order now! Time's a-wastin', and so are these peoples' lives! Act now!