Sometimes, I have to actually force myself to think about things or people other than you, you know. At any given moment, the likelihood you're swimming around my thoughts--and did you know you're a fan of skinny dipping?--is seldom anything less than absolutely certain. I can't say I wish it weren't true; my memories of our limited past are more valuable to me than anything else I possess... but it is difficult to deal with, sometimes. I know, I can beat myself up as much as I want about never having truly reached out for you, and it won't ever change our present circumstances.
I miss you all the time. And I think I miss the unbelievable possibility you represent(ed?); I guess it doesn't make much sense, but I miss what we never had. Intensely. Even if I could never have really had you the way I want you--no matter what initiative I did or didn't have--I often find myself wishing for an earlier time when I simply didn't realize the void your absence would create. You've always been an inspiration to me. You've always been an outlet for--and a prime source of--my deepest and most sincere passions. Though we keep in touch and share a certain distant intimacy, I feel that distance like a painful phantom limb growing from the most intimate, innermost and vulnerable aspect of my hope - and as time goes on, it just keeps growing, and aching.
I wish I had more of you; I really wish I could see and feel and know you in that way which seems so fundamentally necessary to me. There came a point, a long time ago, when the only natural course of action remaining was to DO, and I feel robbed of that chance - even if by myself. Sometimes I really don't know what to do anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment