Random Jimness

"Unless people are more than commonly disagreeable, it is my foolish habit to contract a kindness for them." (Nathaniel Hawthorne's "Scarlet Letter," which if you haven't read, you MUST.)

Hello. My name is Jim, and I'm an addict.

... But I've been metaphor- and allegory-free for two whole sentences.

I'm an average joe by day, rollicking guitar god and modest intellectual (adjectives in no particular order!) by night - and I'm accepting requests for the late-night shift! :)

I am a very "zen" guy; my inner peace is, however, punctuated by episodes of intense exploratory surgery of your mind - and the occasional growl in the direction of "those other" human beings. When I'm not savagely beating my head against the world in a desperate attempt to retain a voice and possibly some semblance of self, (or on an intellectual-spelunking adventure), you can find me hiding in my own little world of pen, paper and pixel, getting utterly drunk on knowledge (only), or perhaps just sitting under a tree contemplating any one of the infinite "why"s of the universe.

I crave to meet people of exceptional calibre who are capable of walking without the crutches of assumption or pretense. I enjoy having conversations with the aspects of peoples' personalities that are truly unique to only them. I am provocative, sensual, and honest to a fault. I value truth above all else... except—possibly—for cuddling, good food and (laugh all you want!), occasionally, grammar.

I embrace all truth and don't deceive myself - and that sort of makes life... well... my bitch, (for lack of more suitable vernacular).

I am an anti-materialist. Don't be one of those people who are nothing without their things to make them something. (Or I shall viciously chastise you, with at least 42% seriousness!)

According to French sexual legend, I am ze 'ottest 'uman b'ing in ze worl'. I don't give a fuck about that, though, so don't ever try to appeal to my vanity; I don't have any, and I'll just think you're a shallow idiot.

I fancy myself to be inhumanly intuitive and omnipotently observant. Whether I genuinely am—or simply aspire to that effect—is up to you... but in either case, the wordplay involved in simply discussing the concept turns me on like a light bulb. Yup. I'm that easy. Shake that sexy mind of yours! *bow-chica-brain-wow!*

Don't let my purdy smile fool you; while I would truly love to say I often get the chance to break your brain with pearly-white benevolence, I much more frequently flash it at folks just to wipe from their minds whatever inane thoughts they were about to assault me with. The things I have to put up with...

Whether or not I make you feel like the most valuable person on the planet—or wish you'd never been born—depends entirely on your qualifications. I am almost as adroit at the kind of flattery that could make Bruce Willis blush and quiver as I am scaring adolescent intellects into a hysterically-weeping puddle of their own sorry piss - so I have established the following rules for human interaction. Please:

if you open your mouth in my direction, make sure something slightly salivating—intellectually... or otherwise ;)—will ultimately come of it, or I may be tempted to commandeer both of your feet to play ping-pong with your uvula 'til your mommy comes to pick you up with straitjacket in tow.

If you are expected back in a mental hospital somewhere, please inform me before any other interaction takes place!

Most of the time, I feel that I simply can't be bothered with the affairs of mortals.

I can smell stupidity 88 yards away, and I don't want any of yours, so keep it locked up. I can be pretty judgmental, but I'm also extremely fuckin' bright in every way that counts and have earned that right - so your "arrogance" is often my "common sense, you idiot." Please don't make me patronize you.

If you provoke me, I'll tell you the truth, and you might hate me for it - unless you were just testing my genius. I assure you, it is not necessary.

I appreciate the hilarious irony of karmic vengeance, and I absolutely LOVE to watch people get sucked into the intellectual vacuums they build their lives upon. I don't enjoy any but the most clever of comedies; real life is just 10,000 times more funny.

"I studied the ancient art of origami-gun making, and I folded it out of purest prose. This is an origami .45 - the most powerful poetry in the world!" (The Asylum)

I'm attracted to obscure knowledge as a general rule. Also, I just realized I'm attracted to obscure people.

If the first thing I realize after you open your mouth in my direction is that I've already met you a thousand times before, then knowing me is going to be about as much fun for you as taking anal suppositories.

By mouth.

And by force.

... Yes - the whole bottle.

Now that that's all said and done, there is admittedly a (tiny) possibility that I might be slightly exaggerating how much I despise most people. In fact, try as I might to suppress them, I'm actually prone to compassionate urges.

— Mister Vulcan... I've... I've failed you.

Really, if people have anything other than a steaming pile of feces cooking in their brainpans, I can probably find a way to appreciate them as human beings... whether I want to or not...

But don't push it! I've come to suspect that that might be my only weakness; I'm just waiting for a good excuse to change my mind about ALL of you and set the world on fire!