"Twilight:" Smell ya later!

Bad. Bad bad, worse worse, wrong and wroooong! I had the misfortune of being dragged to go see "Twilight" tonight, and I'm not sure I'm ever going to recover.
Normally, when I have to endure a movie that's genuinely just... THAT BAD... (American pie, Bring it on, etc) I just pretend that the movie was intended to be a satire, and I laugh my ass off at what I somehow manage to force myself to interpret as social irony. Failing that, I try to picture the silhouette of the movie's intellectual vacuum, and imagine what shape it most closely resembles - a turd, a steaming turd, a funny hat, or maybe the fat rolls of the weird guy who gropes himself on the local buses. The point is, I can turn a terrible, terrible movie into a fun experience.

... usually.

Oprah meets a made-for-tv's made-for-tv adaptation of an already bad, bad and more bad book in a worse, worse and worse genre of soulless, trashy romance books with a (generous) substance score ranging from -1 to the vicinity of negative infinity.
That's how I would describe the BEST PARTS of this flick (none of which I could possibly cite... because they don't exist).
The movie was an intersection of painfully adolescent fantasies stacked in layers of increasing idiocy, and I'm still a little uncertain as to whether or not it was real or imagined - as it was more like something that would result from a nightmare about the end of human intelligence.
Speaking of imagined, every time an actor opened its mouth, I was forced to imagine them fighting to hold back their own sad laughter at the sheer inanity of their own lines and the utterly impossibly dreadful scenes (the worst cliches would've been a welcome respite); I would then question whether or not I really imagined it at all. I think I might've actually suffered intellectual apnea a few times and blacked out; I can only hope it was my brain's natural defense system kicking in and saving me from the worse-er-est parts.

I have very little faith in the common person's ability to resist inane fantasies - but I honestly am surprised that ANY human being can buy into something which makes little green men in lipstick and leg warmers seem like a mathematical fact in comparison.

I am genuinely slightly more scared of humanity because this movie exists.

If I had had to watch just 1 more minute of that ... that... THAT, I would've had no choice but to suffer a pre-emptive psychotic break - and would now be on a baby-eating binge, or maybe finger-painting South Park cartoons on my walls and body--and other peoples' walls and bodies--with my feces.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

This is your brain: O
This is your brain on drugs: o
T?i??is?y??r?_____?o??T?il??ht???????