Evidently my brain isn't ready for sleep quite yet.
Please listen to this, and TELL ME! if it makes you want to run naked through the rainforest, explode into a flash of lightning, then rain down upon the canopy from a thundercloud, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXGUKqVXH-A&hd=1&t=414
Right now I'm listening to a certain part of this one song, over and over. I've probably played it repeatedly about 8 times now while I've been sitting here thinking... and it keeps getting more interactive every time through. I have it open for editing right now, and I've selected about 1.5 minutes of the 9-minute song to repeat. I started out wanting to grab a sample of a certain synthesizer, and got distracted as I was listening. It starts out with a sinister feeling, and grows in complexity; a few seconds in, the best approximation of how it makes me feel is "anxious." Maybe scared. It's a dirty beat, getting generously sloppy with pitch and speed controls, wandering a bit all over the musical landscape, and that sort of reminds me of fucking - not the telegraphed, mechanical, repetitive sort that kids are all the rage about these days... I mean the visceral, animal but still sensual, only vaguely-regular colliding of bodies to a rhythm only those two bodies can perceive. In any case, it all feels good with the music. Somehow it's adding energy to my consciousness instead of wearing me out.
For the last couple of weeks, I've been having these steadily intensifying daydreams about music. I will hear a certain melody in a song, and then my brain will completely tune out what my ears are actually hearing and just run all the fuck over the place with something somewhat similar to it - but infinitely more complex, and lengthy. They are so complex that I can't possibly keep track of where they go or what they become, and I ultimately forget 90% of them. The other 10% don't come out quite right when I try to put them together in my software studios. I'll try, but get distracted, and inevitably find myself sitting for hours at a time with my headphones on, playing the same short parts of the same few songs over and over and over again, almost every night - and I don't know why.
I'm aware that some of the songs remind me of my younger times, but I had a weird fucking youth, and my early years were just as tormented and overly-saturated with difficult intellectual concepts as the present day. I can't imagine why my mind would want to revisit or relive much if any of those past times. Actually, that's a lie; I just now realized that I used to feel emotions much more clearly back then, and I used to appreciate them more - even the negative ones. Now that I think about it, I first started my habit of meditating by listening to music when I needed a respite from my conscious thoughts in my pre-teens, especially after starting middle school. I would lay in bed, seething with either frustration and anger or sadness and powerlessness, but relishing the complexity and raw force of whatever it was that I happened to be feeling at the time.
I don't do that anymore; my negative emotions just exhaust me. Somehow, though, the music in my head and even the music in my ears takes the hurt and tiredness out of me. That said, I don't feel particularly overwhelmed by anything at this point in my life. I'm unsatisfied, somewhat depressed, and unfulfilled, but not particularly upset about anything specific. I don't have any significant dramas to obsess over. I have everything I need, even if I have none of the non-things that I want.
Whatever.
I like music.
The end.
Please listen to this, and TELL ME! if it makes you want to run naked through the rainforest, explode into a flash of lightning, then rain down upon the canopy from a thundercloud, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXGUKqVXH-A&hd=1&t=414
Right now I'm listening to a certain part of this one song, over and over. I've probably played it repeatedly about 8 times now while I've been sitting here thinking... and it keeps getting more interactive every time through. I have it open for editing right now, and I've selected about 1.5 minutes of the 9-minute song to repeat. I started out wanting to grab a sample of a certain synthesizer, and got distracted as I was listening. It starts out with a sinister feeling, and grows in complexity; a few seconds in, the best approximation of how it makes me feel is "anxious." Maybe scared. It's a dirty beat, getting generously sloppy with pitch and speed controls, wandering a bit all over the musical landscape, and that sort of reminds me of fucking - not the telegraphed, mechanical, repetitive sort that kids are all the rage about these days... I mean the visceral, animal but still sensual, only vaguely-regular colliding of bodies to a rhythm only those two bodies can perceive. In any case, it all feels good with the music. Somehow it's adding energy to my consciousness instead of wearing me out.
For the last couple of weeks, I've been having these steadily intensifying daydreams about music. I will hear a certain melody in a song, and then my brain will completely tune out what my ears are actually hearing and just run all the fuck over the place with something somewhat similar to it - but infinitely more complex, and lengthy. They are so complex that I can't possibly keep track of where they go or what they become, and I ultimately forget 90% of them. The other 10% don't come out quite right when I try to put them together in my software studios. I'll try, but get distracted, and inevitably find myself sitting for hours at a time with my headphones on, playing the same short parts of the same few songs over and over and over again, almost every night - and I don't know why.
I'm aware that some of the songs remind me of my younger times, but I had a weird fucking youth, and my early years were just as tormented and overly-saturated with difficult intellectual concepts as the present day. I can't imagine why my mind would want to revisit or relive much if any of those past times. Actually, that's a lie; I just now realized that I used to feel emotions much more clearly back then, and I used to appreciate them more - even the negative ones. Now that I think about it, I first started my habit of meditating by listening to music when I needed a respite from my conscious thoughts in my pre-teens, especially after starting middle school. I would lay in bed, seething with either frustration and anger or sadness and powerlessness, but relishing the complexity and raw force of whatever it was that I happened to be feeling at the time.
I don't do that anymore; my negative emotions just exhaust me. Somehow, though, the music in my head and even the music in my ears takes the hurt and tiredness out of me. That said, I don't feel particularly overwhelmed by anything at this point in my life. I'm unsatisfied, somewhat depressed, and unfulfilled, but not particularly upset about anything specific. I don't have any significant dramas to obsess over. I have everything I need, even if I have none of the non-things that I want.
Whatever.
I like music.
The end.
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