Today I threw away your toothbrush. I wrote the words "Worries, sadness and regrets about (you)" on a scrap of paper, and flushed it down the toilet; it didn't work. I threw away your razor that's been hanging on my shower wall. I threw away the little notes you used to leave around my place. I cleaned your drawing off my mirror - though I saved one of your doodles, and put it in a box. (I still think you might be a famous artist some day, and who knows... maybe we'll end up friends again).
It took me all of three minutes, but now I am completely, utterly exhausted. I have a sense somewhere in the back of my mind that I should feel slightly unburdened in at least some way, but any catharsis I might chase is weighed down by sadness wrapped in guilt. I'm reminded of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and feel like watching it now, while at the same time I feel like I never want to think about the concept again.
I feel like I just threw a part of myself away. I know better, but I still don't feel any better about it. I can't decide whether my soul is being purged of impurities or simply hollowed out, but that's probably just because I imagine it feels the same either way.
As I ask myself how long this is supposed to go on for, I know I'm a fool for trying to quantify love in the dimension of time - it being a somewhat illusory concept in and of itself. I'm trying to remind myself that there is no such thing as cruelty in life, and that sadness is just a symptom of a mind in the throes of a certain kind of fear.
My rationalizations bore me. For a minute, I wished I were the sort of person who couldn't immediately see through them. For once, I'm sick of listening to myself. I don't care about being correct about anything right now. I just want to feel not-bad.
I did my best to throw today away. Maybe tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment