I've had a roller-coaster day. I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but I know it's uncomfortable.
For starters, I woke up this morning to the tail end of a weird-as-fuck dream...
I was visiting a church that I used to attend, but had for some reason distanced myself from for quite a few years. (I am not a religious person in real life). I remember driving in through a weird car port, and then I was suddenly inside. I was sitting in a large room, like an open library, with large square tables spread out across the entire room and divided by bookshelves that were about as tall as the tables. It felt like school, somehow. 3 or 4 people sat at each table, and most of them were teenagers or 20-somethings. If there were any older adults present, I couldn't see them from where I was sitting.
It was the main hall of the church, and at one end of the room there was a sermon going on - though I don't remember a word of it. I DO remember a girl sitting at the table right next to me, on my right; it was her and I on that side, and on the adjacent side to my left one other teenaged boy was thoroughly engrossed in whatever else was going on beyond our table. The girl next to me was young, maybe 16 or so, and doing her damnedest—for what reason I had no freaking clue—to distract me, sexually, during this sermon that I was evidently attending-but-not-listening-to. She had her left hand under the table and was dragging the tips of her fingers back and forth across the top of my right thigh from my groin to my knee while she pretended to take notes with her right hand. I remember the feeling of her nose in my ear the most vividly; it was warm, moist, and felt tinier than I was used to. I couldn't see her face at all, but I remember thinking that if I could, she probably had one of those noses that are small, short, and slightly upturned at the end, and that she was probably cute. Anyway, she was nuzzled into the right side of my neck, and I remember feeling her breath rolling under my collar and down the inside of the front of my shirt as she nibbled—and occasionally bit, actually somewhat hard—on my neck and ear. A couple of times she grabbed a stray lock of hair from the back of my head and tugged with her teeth. It was arousing, of course, (though I can't remember any woman ever actually doing that to my ear or hair), but I also felt like she was trying to get me in trouble - and the fact that she was a complete stranger may have contributed to that a bit, as well. That made me nervous.
I remember having a sudden moment of near panic as I realized I didn't know if anyone else in the room was able to see under the table. The notion of having some uppity self-righteous religious nut discover my conspicuous erection was terrifying for a brief moment - until I thought about how sacrilegious it would be, and then for a different brief moment I found myself half hoping somebody would notice. (Of course, in waking retrospect, I have no idea how the fuck somebody wouldn't have noticed a girl—especially a youngish one—practically over-the-clothes fucking a dude twice her age in the middle of church, but hey... it was a dream, so what-the-fuckever I suppose). Then I started having some really dirty thoughts, all revolving around creative ways to get thrown out of church via various acts of a graphically sexual and public nature. (Admittedly, I've had those thoughts in real life before, as random fun exercises - but in the dream I took it waaaaay further. Like, "I'm not going to write it down even here because some member of my family might possibly stumble across this someday," further). Just as I started looking at other tables to see if any of them were unoccupied—while silently measuring the space underneath them, trying to decide if the girl and I could both lay down under one without any part of our anatomy hanging out—I woke up.
Weird. Fucking. Dream. I can only conclude that I am clearly sexually frustrated (which is definitely true), that I am feeling deprived of intimate physical contact in general (also definitely true), and that I need to start writing about my distaste for organized theistic religions more... religiously. I really wish I knew more about the girl, though; it seemed like a weird choice for my subconscious to make. (I mean, the age thing makes sense: our society represses young women in the prime of their sexual adolescence, and age of consent laws are quite frankly insane when you consider the fact that people these days operate with progressively-worsening intentions as both they and their social peers age... and all men of all ages are of course biologically programmed to prefer young, healthy, sexually virile women whose genetic features are at the height of their clarity and expression, for obvious reasons. But the fact that she didn't have any physical characteristics that I am aware of at all strikes me as both odd and significant). Maybe it's my subconscious telling me that I need to think less, be more of an asshole and start objectifying women like the majority of men? Or that I need to stop looking for compatible women my age and give up on my dreams of having a family, and go back to appreciating the simple, honest innocence of younger girls? I don't know. I've already thought about both of those ideas before, and while they both have their appeal to certain components of my subconscious, obviously I've chosen otherwise. Weird. Fucking. Dream.
— and, when I first started this entry, I felt like going into all of the other shit that's gone through my mind today and has since settled in the furry ass crack of my gray matter, but after reliving that obnoxious dream I really don't have the energy. I'm 28, single, childless, and evidently my subconscious needs to tell me something that's important enough to manifest as deviant sexual acts with a faceless, bodyless girl who somehow reminds me of all of my ex-girlfriends. I can't handle this shit! I'm going to bed.
For starters, I woke up this morning to the tail end of a weird-as-fuck dream...
I was visiting a church that I used to attend, but had for some reason distanced myself from for quite a few years. (I am not a religious person in real life). I remember driving in through a weird car port, and then I was suddenly inside. I was sitting in a large room, like an open library, with large square tables spread out across the entire room and divided by bookshelves that were about as tall as the tables. It felt like school, somehow. 3 or 4 people sat at each table, and most of them were teenagers or 20-somethings. If there were any older adults present, I couldn't see them from where I was sitting.
It was the main hall of the church, and at one end of the room there was a sermon going on - though I don't remember a word of it. I DO remember a girl sitting at the table right next to me, on my right; it was her and I on that side, and on the adjacent side to my left one other teenaged boy was thoroughly engrossed in whatever else was going on beyond our table. The girl next to me was young, maybe 16 or so, and doing her damnedest—for what reason I had no freaking clue—to distract me, sexually, during this sermon that I was evidently attending-but-not-listening-to. She had her left hand under the table and was dragging the tips of her fingers back and forth across the top of my right thigh from my groin to my knee while she pretended to take notes with her right hand. I remember the feeling of her nose in my ear the most vividly; it was warm, moist, and felt tinier than I was used to. I couldn't see her face at all, but I remember thinking that if I could, she probably had one of those noses that are small, short, and slightly upturned at the end, and that she was probably cute. Anyway, she was nuzzled into the right side of my neck, and I remember feeling her breath rolling under my collar and down the inside of the front of my shirt as she nibbled—and occasionally bit, actually somewhat hard—on my neck and ear. A couple of times she grabbed a stray lock of hair from the back of my head and tugged with her teeth. It was arousing, of course, (though I can't remember any woman ever actually doing that to my ear or hair), but I also felt like she was trying to get me in trouble - and the fact that she was a complete stranger may have contributed to that a bit, as well. That made me nervous.
I remember having a sudden moment of near panic as I realized I didn't know if anyone else in the room was able to see under the table. The notion of having some uppity self-righteous religious nut discover my conspicuous erection was terrifying for a brief moment - until I thought about how sacrilegious it would be, and then for a different brief moment I found myself half hoping somebody would notice. (Of course, in waking retrospect, I have no idea how the fuck somebody wouldn't have noticed a girl—especially a youngish one—practically over-the-clothes fucking a dude twice her age in the middle of church, but hey... it was a dream, so what-the-fuckever I suppose). Then I started having some really dirty thoughts, all revolving around creative ways to get thrown out of church via various acts of a graphically sexual and public nature. (Admittedly, I've had those thoughts in real life before, as random fun exercises - but in the dream I took it waaaaay further. Like, "I'm not going to write it down even here because some member of my family might possibly stumble across this someday," further). Just as I started looking at other tables to see if any of them were unoccupied—while silently measuring the space underneath them, trying to decide if the girl and I could both lay down under one without any part of our anatomy hanging out—I woke up.
Weird. Fucking. Dream. I can only conclude that I am clearly sexually frustrated (which is definitely true), that I am feeling deprived of intimate physical contact in general (also definitely true), and that I need to start writing about my distaste for organized theistic religions more... religiously. I really wish I knew more about the girl, though; it seemed like a weird choice for my subconscious to make. (I mean, the age thing makes sense: our society represses young women in the prime of their sexual adolescence, and age of consent laws are quite frankly insane when you consider the fact that people these days operate with progressively-worsening intentions as both they and their social peers age... and all men of all ages are of course biologically programmed to prefer young, healthy, sexually virile women whose genetic features are at the height of their clarity and expression, for obvious reasons. But the fact that she didn't have any physical characteristics that I am aware of at all strikes me as both odd and significant). Maybe it's my subconscious telling me that I need to think less, be more of an asshole and start objectifying women like the majority of men? Or that I need to stop looking for compatible women my age and give up on my dreams of having a family, and go back to appreciating the simple, honest innocence of younger girls? I don't know. I've already thought about both of those ideas before, and while they both have their appeal to certain components of my subconscious, obviously I've chosen otherwise. Weird. Fucking. Dream.
— and, when I first started this entry, I felt like going into all of the other shit that's gone through my mind today and has since settled in the furry ass crack of my gray matter, but after reliving that obnoxious dream I really don't have the energy. I'm 28, single, childless, and evidently my subconscious needs to tell me something that's important enough to manifest as deviant sexual acts with a faceless, bodyless girl who somehow reminds me of all of my ex-girlfriends. I can't handle this shit! I'm going to bed.
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