The Shape of Things

I had a brief conversation with a female friend today that really fucking upset me. We were discussing some repairs to her car and the topic of her not having the proper tools came up. She was pretty stressed out about it, so at one point I tried to lighten the mood and quipped something along the lines of,

"Well, don't worry about the logistics of getting it lifted - I have biceps for that. Hell, when I was a Navy Seal, we used to bench press cars like yours to work up an appetite for the hard stuff."

Instead of rolling with the joke like a good-humored person would, she gave me one of those annoying "... really?" stares, and said in a flat, snotty voice,

"Have you ever looked at yourself? You were definitely never a Navy Seal."

I've been a friend to her for awhile, so I'm used to her habit of lashing out and trying to jab people square in their insecurities with a hot poker when she's frustrated; fortunately, I conquered any insecurity about my body a long time ago - but as a matter of principle, and because it's my responsibility as her friend, I couldn't just say nothing and let her get away with being a bitch. So, in an effort to force her into changing the subject, I challenged her with a half-playful,

"Heyyyy, you know, I was pretty freakin' buff in high school, all right? But that was over ten years ago, and men don't age like fine wine the way women do."

To my surprise, she smiled, which was a good sign... or so I initially thought... but then, instead of returning to a less-angry version of our conversation about her car, she feigned a flirty face at me, winked, and said,

"Oh, I know you were. I've seen the pictures of you from back then. Mmm-mmm."

And then she looked away and spaced out for the rest of the short drive. She had actually been completely serious. I could tell she was genuinely distracted, and a little turned on, by whatever mental images she had seized on in that last exchange. While I understood that her withdrawal into superficial bullshit was a coping mechanism so common it might as well be universal, I was nevertheless absolutely fucking seething. I actually wanted to slap her like the child/sheep she was, right then and there, and hopefully dislodge the stupidity out of her mind and off her face. I think she actually thought that what she was saying was a compliment, and in that moment I was painfully aware of the fact—not for the first time—that, while I was her friend, she would never be capable of being a friend to me. It made me sad and pissed at the same time. I absolutely never have even the slightest violent urges toward people I care about to any extent whatsoever, and maybe that's part of what brought me to this moment: realizing that I can't justify caring about her any more. I don't think I should allow myself to.

She had just chosen the most superficial, shallow, hollow, ass-backwards form of my former, far lesser, insecure self... and then right in front of me, decided to indulge her own little personal fantasy about how much more she would appreciate me as a man if I were to simply trade 12+ years of careful, painful, deliberate, absolutely fucking profound self-evolution for... totally fucking useless muscle definition?! A fake tan?! A canned haircut?! What a fucking cunt!!! That exact phrase crossed my mind. Repeatedly. What a vapid, vain, vacuous woman this was sitting next to me. How the fuck could I justify maintaining even the slightest investment in the life of this complete fucking IDIOT - so far removed from any significant knowledge of herself that she can't even break free of mainstream body-image marketing? What the actual fuck?! This is 1+1 level shit! Never mind the fact that she's known me for years, and knows exactly how much well-deserved pride I have in the person I've made myself into, struggling against just about every external force out there the entire way; ignore the fact that she cares so little for me as a human being, has so little respect for me or what I believe in or what I fucking AM, that she didn't even realize that I might take offense to the idea of being reduced to an object - and then comparing my current self to that meaningless object unfavorably! At the moment, all I could think about was why the fuck I would want to have such a negative, ignorant, hopelessly-lost person anywhere near me, ever, for any fucking reason.

I felt dirty. I felt existentially raped. I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite and a pussy because I wasn't exploding into a huge ball of verbal rage all over her like she deserved and needed, and like I really fucking wanted to. I felt disgusted with myself for ever having dated her (a few years ago), for ever being attracted to her. I felt like an idiot for ever acknowledging the good qualities in this person whose flaws were outweighed only by her denial, willful ignorance, and apathy for herself.

I drove straight to my apartment, practically exploded out of the driver's seat and out the door, tossed the keys across the car to her, thanked her politely but briskly for letting me use her car again, shut the car door, and walked straight to my door and went inside. I felt physically ill. I almost puked, but I hadn't had anything to eat yet at that point - thank fucking god.

As I'm writing this, I still haven't decided if I ever want to talk to her again. It would be useless to try to explain to her what she'd just put me through, or to ask for an apology. (And even if she were capable of understanding at least the effect it had on me, and even if she did apologize, I know that I wouldn't be able to take it seriously because it came from her - and I know that she will never let herself grow up enough to understand WHY).

Well, fuck! I guess I just answered my own question. That's it, then. Another friend one bites the dust. I fucking hate society right now, and how fucked up it makes people - and how it teaches them to ignore—and even celebrate!!!!—their fucking insanity, and how it encourages everyone to positively-reinforce the idiotic behaviors of everyone else so the denial can be mutually reciprocated. I hate the machinations and contrivances of the corporate overmind doing everything it can to convince people to buy this idea and that perception and so-and-so definition of beauty - and fucking succeeding, without even so much as a struggle! I HATE THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD (AND ESPECIALLY THIS COUNTRY) ARE FUCKING SLAVES, BUT ARE SO FAR REMOVED FROM REALITY AND SELF-AWARENESS THAT THEY ACTUALLY THINK THEY'RE "LIVING," OR THAT THEY CAN POSSIBLY BE HAPPY, OR THAT THEY HAVE THE FAINTEST FUCKING INKLING OF WHAT FREEDOM IS.

I fucking hate sheeple! FUCKKKK THISSSS SHIIIIIT.